Janes-List.com » Relationships

Networking…it’s easier than you think!

Kelly — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 15:03:01 +0000

Having had a heavy sales background, networking was like second nature to me. Put me in a room full of strangers and, more than likely, I was walking out of there at the end of the night with a pocket full of business cards. Friends would tell me the idea of striking up a conversation with a total stranger was intimidating, but to me, it was a surefire way to make acquaintances-both professionally as well as socially.

After relocating to a new base last February, my hubby deployed two weeks later. I found myself in a new house in a new city not knowing a soul. It was time to take my own advice, otherwise, it was going to be the longest deployment ever. Thankfully, some of the wives whose husbands were deployed with mine were wonderful-inviting me to get-togethers where I met other people-some military, some not. I’ve always thought this was one of the best parts of being married to someone in the military: getting to meet new people all the time. Many times, we end up forming bonds with people we never would have crossed paths or connected with in “civilian” life, and to me, that’s such a great opportunity.

We’ve talked about networking to get the job you want, but it’s just as important socially. The same rules apply and it’s easier than you may think:

Be yourself. Relax. Have a normal conversation with someone new and see what happens. I’ve met people at small barbeques and military functions who quickly became some of my life-long friends, just after discovering we had the same hobbies, interests or political views.

Don’t talk business. If you’re meeting military wives, chances are they are going to ask what you do for a living within the first three minutes of introducing yourself. Tell them, but then change the topic of conversation to what they do for fun, where the last vacationed, books they’re reading or movies they saw, instead. If you’re new to the area, ask about restaurant recommendations. The important thing is to keep the conversation light and easy.

Keep the focus on them. Whether it be their kids, their job or their house, who doesn’t like to gush about the things that are important to them? Get someone new to talk about themselves and not only will they think you’re charming, but it will give you the chance to find some common interests with them.

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Improve communication with your spouse

jane — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:00:46 +0000

All day long we talk. We verbally negotiate with vendors, colleagues, children, friends and more. We play office politics and even play close attention to what we say, so we don’t offend sensitive family members. So, why is it that we can be less cautious about how we talk to our spouse – who we spend most of our time with and likely love more than anyone else in our lives. I’m living proof that we shouldn’t be!

When my relationship hit a speed bump, we had virtually stopped communicating. And our lack of understanding over how to communicate with one another made it nearly impossible to negotiate a separation. We both decided to make a change, if not in an effort to save our marriage, then in an effort to improve ourselves.

I am surprised when I talk to some people about this. They don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to productively communicate with my husband and address conflict. Conversely, I don’t understand how it can be so easy for them! At the end of the day, we are all different. Our relationship problems are all unique. And some couples have to work harder than others in order to make it work. If you want to become a better cook, you practice. If you want to run a marathon, you train. So, why wouldn’t you work as hard to improve how you communicate in your most intimate relationship?

If you don’t even know where to start (I can empathize!), consider taking these first few steps.

Understanding marriage

New York Times‘ “Well” blogger Tara Parker-Pope recently wrote a book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage,” which Newsweek wrote, “may be the most credible and interesting marital self-help book of all time.” This book is terrific for the more cerebral couples, disputing notions about divorce rates, sex, fidelity, monogamy and more with real scientific studies conducted in recent years. The result is a more solid understanding of what makes and breaks modern unions. Parker-Pope discusses the book in this Today Show clip:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Communication 101

After you begin to understand the fundamentals of relationships, consider refocusing on understanding the fundamentals of communication. A good friend of mind learned all of this in an “Interpersonal Communications” course in college. Turns out a class like that would have helped me out a lot more than that required statistics course. Thank goodness for the book, “The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation,” by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D. Dialectical Behavior Therapy was developed as a way to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, which many researchers believe to be a chronic form of post-traumatic stress disorder. The approach in this short book is to address the cornerstones of interpersonal communications, like “validation,” with precise examples, practice exercises and help you learn how to deescalate conflict and be more mindful of your partner so that you can grow closer.

The Marriage Ref

I’m not talking about one of favorite programs, the Jerry Seinfeld produced game show in which married couples hash it out over each other’s bad habits or irrational attachment to ugly furniture. I wish the issues in my relationship were that superficial! When it becomes more complicated than that, you may need to enlist the help of a real “marriage ref.” By that I mean counselor. But “marriage ref” sounds less intimidating and frankly, more helpful. While there are numerous self-help resources for improving your relationship, sometimes it is really important to have an objective third-party referee and point you both in the right direction.

While deployments in military marriages may make it hard to develop a relationship with a good marriage therapist, self-help resources may put a band-aid on the conflict, but it may not stop the bleeding. Having an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your communication problems is the first big step towards working to resolve it. Between the two of you, you can work to chart a course to help you down that rough, but rewarding road.

Photo by: aren roukema

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Where I’ve been

Kirsty — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:42:12 +0000

Since launching Janes-List.com with Kelly in March, my life has been a veritable whirlwind of activity. Between learning so much, working so hard and getting so many kudos on the site, I also made a great professional change and have spent the last five months transitioning in a new job. Both activities have brought me so much pride and for the first time in a while, I’m beginning to find a lot of joy in my work and in my personal life.

The same unfortunately cannot be said for my home life. I’m blogging about this because, while these days I don’t feel overly qualified to write about making a marriage in the military work, I do know a little something about surviving the hardships.

I feel compelled to note that I don’t blame my marital problems on the military lifestyle. Sure it’s stressful to spend time apart and move frequently, the issues in our marriage have been present since before we said “I do.”

So now I’m looking at a future where I may not be married in the Marine Corps. And that’s OK. I think I may be able to share some of my experiences in seeing a relationship end in the military – hoping and praying all along the way that none of our wonderful readers will ever have to endure it. But perhaps there is a girl somewhere out there, going through exactly what I’m going through, who can find a sliver of hope from the telling of my experiences. After all, that was the original inspiration for creating this resource for military wives.

So after a long absence and serious deliberation, I’ve decided to finish what I set out to do in the first place and that’s to create a resource for women in military markets to find professional opportunities. I will write when I feel like it and Kelly will pick up a lot of my slack. I will spend most of the time working behind the scenes to figure out how to make our vision a digital reality and create a better, more beneficial community for you.

Thank you for reading!

Since launching Janes-List.com with Kelly in March, my life has been a veritable whirlwind of activity. Between learning so much, working so hard and getting so many kudos on the site, I also made a great professional change and have spent the last six months transitioning in a new job. Both activities have brought me so much pride and for the first time in a while, I’m beginning to find a lot of joy in my work and in my personal life.

I feel compelled to note that I don’t blame the dissolution of my marriage on the military lifestyle. Sure it’s stressful to spend time apart and move frequently, the issues in our marriage have been present since before we said “I do.”

So now I’m looking at a future where I won’t be married in the Marine Corps. And that’s OK. I think I may be able to share some of my experiences in seeing a relationship end in the military – hoping and praying all along the way that none of our wonderful readers will ever have to endure it. But perhaps there is a girl somewhere out there, going through exactly what I’m going through, who can find a sliver of hope from the telling of my experiences. After all, that was the original inspiration for creating this resource for military wives.

So after a long absence and serious deliberation, I’ve decided to finish what I set out to do in the first place and that’s to create a resource for women in military markets to find professional opportunities. I will write when I feel like it and Kelly will pick up a lot of my slack with her wonderful articles on professional development, organization and of course, Recipe Wednesdays! I will spend most of the time working behind the scenes to figure out how to make our vision a digital reality and create a better, more beneficial community for you.

Thank you for reading!

Photo by: emilygrace.

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Improve communication with your spouse

Trade in a ‘STAY-cation’ for a ‘VA-cation’

jane — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 12:07:20 +0000

Guest post by Erica I. Peña-Vest, Editor of Guide to Military Travel

As a travel writer, I often get asked travel related questions. Where should I go? What do I do when I get there? Is it family-friendly? I sometimes get asked the same questions so often, I feel like I am giving an automated response. Recently, however, I was asked a question that stumped me. Someone asked me if I recommended a ‘staycation.’ The term was foreign to me, however ‘staycations’ are a concept that has been gaining traction across the country in these tough economic times, to the point that it was even added to the 2009 Webster’s Dictionary. For those, like me, who are unfamiliar with the term it means staying near your home or at home instead of taking a trip or vacation. It means finding something fun to do in your own back yard (literally and figuratively) so that you can save money instead of traveling away from home, which can be cost prohibitive. After I found out what it meant, I was even more confused. Isn’t the whole purpose of a vacation to get away? I don’t know about you, but if I stay home, it’s no vacation. I look around and see the chores that need to be done. More importantly, I look around as see all the things my HUSBAND hasn’t done – the grass doesn’t cut itself, Ryan! With that said, why would I want to stay home and play Scrabble for my vacation? Pure nonsense, I tell you!

As members of the armed services, you have no reason to stay home and explore this ‘staycation’ concept. There are so many travel deals available to you all over the United States. With free admission to Disney Parks, Sea World, Universal Studios and attractions all around the country, you would be remiss not to take a trip this year. Your biggest expense will be the airfare or gas to drive to your destination, but even the airlines are heavily discounting fares this year and the rest of your trip is going to be more affordable than has ever been possible in the past. I’ve seen that some hotels are offering up to 50% off their rates for military families. Other hotels are offering added value such as free upgrade to a suite, free breakfast, free parking, free high speed internet and in some cases all of the above. Attractions are offering free or discounted admissions. Even restaurants are offering a percentage off. I recently received a list of stores that offer the military a discount so now even shopping while traveling is more affordable!

I understand that the idea of a ‘staycation’ came from an attempt to save more and spend less, but I just can’t endorse it. I love the concept of turning your home into a festivity of love, family and adventure, but I hope you don’t have to take leave to have that. Make your home fun – read an adventurous book as a family, have game night, host a weekend barbeque, host Friday night movie night, pitch a tent in the backyard with your kids and pretend to make s’mores (no fires please), or simply take a walk through your neighborhood. Plan a day trip, see the local sites, visit the local children’s museum, eat at a foreign restaurant and try something new. Whatever you consider a good time, do it and enjoy, but don’t cheat yourself out of getting away. A vacation isn’t just a tradition, it’s an opportunity- it’s a chance to make a memory. Think back to your childhood vacations; no matter how long the trip, no matter how much the car smelled by the time you got there, no matter how bad the flight, no matter how crowded the amusement park – it’s a memory you cherish. Don’t rob your children of those memories. Travel CAN be affordable, especially for members of the military. It’s the travel industry’s sincere way of thanking you for a job well done, and one I advise you to take advantage of.

Where do you find out about all of these travel deals and discounts? Log on to www.guidetomilitarytravel.com for the largest selection of military travel discounts found…well, anywhere. Enjoy your ‘VA-cation’!

Photo by: Katie Freeland

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Five steps for an A+ deployment

Kirsty — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:19:11 +0000

After I experienced my first deployment, I asked my husband to rate how I coped on a scale of 1 to 10. I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me a 9.5 and told me he thought I was exceptionally level headed and supportive for my first time going through it. I recently asked him what it would it take to be an A+ spouse during a deployment so I could share it here, straight from the Marine’s mouth!

1. Cookies

This was the first thing he said to me. It surprised me because I mistakenly thought homemade cookies would go stale on their journey halfway around the world. The best he got from me was probably 100-calorie graham cracker packs! Well, it turns out you can pack cookies to keep them fresh and apparently nothing tastes as good as real butter, genuine sugar and lots of love you bake into them.

2. Care packages

On that note, take note that you should keep the care packages coming! This was something that I was particularly good at. And I didn’t have to spend a lot of money or time to do it either. Personally, it felt great – like I had a real connection to my husband – every time I packed a new box and waited in line at the post office to send it. And apparently the feeling is mutual, because I hear that nothing beats hearing your name called at mail call. And if you have “care package idea block,” we’re here to help. Check out our 101 care package ideas series here.

3. Communicate consistently

Be consistent when communicating, he advised. If you know that your husband typically calls at a certain time during the week, make your best effort to not deviate from that schedule. Or, if you email everyday, try not to suddenly fall off the radar if you get busy, or go out of town. It’s tremendously frustrating when they are looking forward to talking to you and you can’t be available.

4. Be judicious in sharing your problems

I’m not saying to sugarcoat things, or bottle up your problems, but be judicious in sharing your problems with your husband when he’s deployed. It’s nothing but aggravating when they love you and want to help but cannot do anything. It’s fine to ask their advice if you think it will help you solve an issue. But, if you end up solving an issue without his help, it’s probably best that you don’t mention you ever had a problem in the first place.

5. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em

I think going through a deployment can actually help to learn to communicate more effectively as a couple. Every time you talk to him is precious and you don’t want to waste that time bickering. During a deployment, it’s easy for you to feel cheated and easy for him to feel resentful, but it’s your job to keep your emotions in check and to not waste those precious minutes you get to talk or email fighting.

Photo by: ldoherty81

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101 things to send him when he’s deployed 66-76: Anniversary Edition

Kirsty — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:02:08 +0000

An anniversary is a sad time to endure a deployment. But at least you can console yourself on Ben & Jerry’s fro yo with Annie Hall. This is likely a time that your spouse feels quite lonely. So, send him an anniversary care package to remind him how much you love and appreciate him. To make it extra special, gift wrap your items in special wedding or anniversary wrap to set this package apart from the rest.

66. Get creative. Research traditional anniversary gifts and come up with alternatives that are affordable and useful for him overseas.

67. Did you save your vows or toasts from your wedding? Recreate and put in a frame or laminate them.

68. Photo project. Visit Shutterfly.com or a similar service to create a photo slideshow on a DVD that you can send him.

69. Remember what you danced to at your wedding? Burn him a CD mix of it.

70. Photos of his real present if you want to get him something he can enjoy when he’s home.

71. An itinerary. Book a celebratory vacation for the two of you and send him an itinerary to get excited.

72. Send him 365 reasons why you love him more than you did last year.

73. Make your own book or recreate your wedding or honeymoon album on blurb.com.

74. Scrapbook with photos of when you were dating and journal about what you remember from those days.

75. A sweetheart pouch with the perfume you wore on your wedding day.

76. Bake cookies that have the same flavors as your wedding cake.

Photo by: emolee84

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Gift ideas for the guy who has everything!

Kelly — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 01:34:19 +0000

I don’t know about you, but holidays, birthdays and anniversaries have become a source of anxiety for me. My husband is the hardest person to shop for simply because I have exhausted my gift-giving ideas, outdoing myself in recent years (additions to the Harley, wind surfing lessons, the latest and greatest from Garmin.)

So for those of you who may be in the same boat, I have compiled a few ideas that may save you some time and frustration when thinking of ideas for your husband’s next birthday, anniversary, welcome home, or “just-because” gift.

Garmin Forerunner 405 A little on the pricey side, this is a great gift for the runner, biker or hiker who takes fitness seriously. Tracking time, distance, pace, heart rate and calories burned, it is the only GPS-enabled sport watch with automatic wireless downloads.

Watch. You can’t go wrong choosing a timepiece to commemorate an anniversary, promotion, retirement or birthday. Blue Nile offers an impressive variety at wholesale prices, starting under $100 and including brands like Citizen, Tag Heuer and Baume and Mercier. (It’s also a great site for women’s jewelry at unbelievable prices! )

Bose in-ear earphones. With three sizes of ear tips, a comfortable fit is guaranteed while providing the highest quality sound. These earphones are incredible!

Digital camera. The Olympus Stylus SW camera not only captures all your special moments in brilliant detail, but is also waterproof to 33 feet, crush proof to 220 pounds and freeze proof to 14 degrees Farenheit. The world’s “toughest” camera comes in different colors and can easily survive the roughest of deployments, vacations and daily life.

Johnny Cash Greatest Hits. Who doesn’t love the “Man in Black”? A great stocking stuffer or “just because” gift.

Digital videocamera. The Flip Mino UltaHD is the world’s smallest high-definition camcorder, boasting 4GB of storage and up to 60 minutes of recording and is small enough to fit in his pocket.

REI gift certificate. If your husband is into “gear”, despite the never-ending bins stored in your garage, this should be at the top of your list. Let him decide what he wants or needs and save yourself the hassle of trying to guess.

Dane Cook audio CDs. ISolated Incident, Retaliation, Rough Around the Edges make perfect stocking stuffers and are a great pick-me-up when he’s on deployment.

Sopranos box set. Bring him up-to-date with a box set of his favorite shows. Perfect if he missed the last season while on deployment or if you want to catch him up on the shows you’ve been watching.

Photo by: tum_camen

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Five mistakes to avoid in the first week of deployment

Kirsty — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 14:34:44 +0000

Everyone handles the first week of a deployment differently. It can be hard to know what to do or how to handle this and it’s hard for me to advise anyone because each wife’s experience is unique. I can tell you based on my own experience, the five mistakes you can make during the first week of his deployment. If you can sail through the first week without making these mistakes, pat yourself on the back because it’s entirely possible you will sail through the remaining months quite smoothly!

1. Apathy

Lots of wives will handle the first week of a deployment with a great deal of apathy. This can lead to you calling in sick or requesting time off work. Bad idea. You will need to have a lot activity the first week he’s gone to keep your mind off his leaving. This first week may require days of him traveling to his ultimate destination without access to a phone. Use this time to keep yourself busy and start to acclimate yourself to the idea that you no longer get to hear from him everyday.

2. Self-Destruction

A lot of women – not just military wives – will turn to self-destructive behavior when they are sad or depressed. Don’t go down this road. Plan this week out to make sure you’re cooking healthy, wholesome meals and getting plenty of rest. Replace any possible negative behavior (drinking) with a positive one (go to the gym, meditate, go to church). In this first week, you’re setting the stage for the rest of the deployment. Set high standards for yourself.

3. Humility

It’s a good thing to be independent. It’s not a good thing to turn down help from family, friends or co-workers this week. There’s no need to pretend nothing’s wrong this week. Learn to trust that the people around you want to be sensitive and helpful. You just have to leave the door open for them to do so.

4. Arrogance

Consider your mood during this first stressful week. If you’re swinging pretty low, don’t shrug off the idea of professional help. As military wives we have great benefits that include access to counselors and therapists who specialize in helping us deal with deployments. Talk to your doctor about the options you have. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about here. I see as choosing one of two options – you can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. If sharing your troubles with a professional once a week will help put you on the path to happiness, don’t turn your nose up to the idea. You deserve to be happy.

5. Neglect

Here’s one I struggled with for the duration of my first deployment experience. Your husband may be away. But, the laundry won’t stop piling up, the dishwasher won’t empty itself and the dog won’t spontaneously learn to vacuum up his pet hair. Face the facts. A clean and orderly house is going to help your life feel a little less chaotic. One trick I learned – set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes and give yourself 10 minutes to clean up. What sometimes feels like an arduous clean up task will in fact take you less than 10 minutes! Do that on a daily basis and it will help set a good clean up precedent for the rest of the deployment.

The most important thing to remember this week is that your husband will also be worried about your well being. It’s very likely he will have more important things to worry about in the coming weeks. So, it’s your responsibility to stay strong and healthy to not cause him any concern.

Photo by: ONE/MILLION

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101 things to send him when he’s deployed (22-32)

Kirsty — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 12:18:02 +0000

Today’s third installment of 101 Things to Send Him When He’s Deployed is all about sending him the comforts of home when he is abroad. He’s not there for you to hug him and tell him how much you love him, so why don’t you write down how you feel and send it in a heartfelt note. Myoplex shake packages part of his everyday life? Don’t allow that to be interrupted by a deployment. This week’s list also emphasizes that not every care package needs to stem from a creative brainstorm! He still needs the essentials like Chapstick and sunscreen and sending those items will definitely make him feel like you’re looking out for him, from abroad.

22. Love letter. Never underestimate the power of a simple note.

23. Breakfast bars. Perfect snack for an on-the-go guy.

24. Chapstick. Protect his pucker from dry, chapped lips.

25. Contact solution. If your man wears lenses, he can’t ever have too much of this

26. Deodorant. It’s hot in the desert-send his favorite scent.

27. Myoplex shake packages. Send with a nalgene bottle and let him mix and go.

28. Microwavable popcorn. My hubby loves movie theater butter. Send with a DVD for movie night.

29. Sunscreen. Protect his skin from the harmful rays of the desert sun w/SPF 30 or higher.

30. Chocolate-covered pretzels. Satisfy his sweet-tooth with salty and sweet.

31. Pop-tarts. Individually wrapped for breakfast or snacktime.

32. Small photo album. Include pics of you, the kids, friends and pets.

Photo by: meandmum.com

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Deploy your best going-away gift strategy for the deployed

Kirsty — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 00:45:11 +0000

Today I was pleased to get a question from an old friend, who had been following what we’re doing here on Jane’s List. She told me that a friend of hers was deploying on Friday and she was looking for some ideas for what she could give him as a going-away gift. Well, apparently, it’s just not wives who think about how to deal with the time leading up to deployment! The time period leading up to a deployment is a tricky one. What really can you give a loved one that will be of value while he or she is overseas? Here is the advice I offered my friend, which can be applicable for anyone wishing to bid a service member a memorable farewell.

No two deployments are the same: Be sure you have an idea of what their deployment will be like. Will they be on a base, or in the field most of the time? If this is not his first deployment, he will probably be able to offer a lot of details. This is important because if he will not have access to a computer at anytime, an iTunes gift card won’t do much good.
Think logically: You don’t want to give him anything too nice because it will just get cruddy. And you don’t want to get him something too big because he has to lug it over there. Be sensitive to these facts and if you’re in doubt whether or not a gift is appropriate, just tell him. He will just think you’re especially thoughtful for asking.

Gift suggestions:

Phone card (can’t get enough of these)
iTunes card
Twin air mattress (he can use in the field or put on a cot for added comfort)
Travel pillow (the flight over there is nasty)
A few paperback books and magazines if he’s a reader.
PSP (per my husband, this is the #1 deployment extravagance)
Small photo album.
Digital photo key chain (I found a great one for my husband at Brookstone)
If he’s religious, a St. Christopher medal or charm
Noise canceling headphones (there are more affordable alternatives than Bose offers nowadays)
If you are still stuck but wanted to be creative, you could give him a coupon like, “This entitles you to 5 care packages packed with goodies from yours truly!

I really struggled with the going away gesture myself. I think what is most important is letting your loved one know you are supportive while they are away – send a postcard, email or care package once in a while to let them know you are thinking of them.

Photo by: terese