All day long we talk. We verbally negotiate with vendors, colleagues, children, friends and more. We play office politics and even play close attention to what we say, so we don’t offend sensitive family members. So, why is it that we can be less cautious about how we talk to our spouse – who we spend most of our time with and likely love more than anyone else in our lives. I’m living proof that we shouldn’t be!
When my relationship hit a speed bump, we had virtually stopped communicating. And our lack of understanding over how to communicate with one another made it nearly impossible to negotiate a separation. We both decided to make a change, if not in an effort to save our marriage, then in an effort to improve ourselves.
I am surprised when I talk to some people about this. They don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to productively communicate with my husband and address conflict. Conversely, I don’t understand how it can be so easy for them! At the end of the day, we are all different. Our relationship problems are all unique. And some couples have to work harder than others in order to make it work. If you want to become a better cook, you practice. If you want to run a marathon, you train. So, why wouldn’t you work as hard to improve how you communicate in your most intimate relationship?
If you don’t even know where to start (I can empathize!), consider taking these first few steps.
Understanding marriage
New York Times‘ “Well” blogger Tara Parker-Pope recently wrote a book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage,” which Newsweek wrote, “may be the most credible and interesting marital self-help book of all time.” This book is terrific for the more cerebral couples, disputing notions about divorce rates, sex, fidelity, monogamy and more with real scientific studies conducted in recent years. The result is a more solid understanding of what makes and breaks modern unions. Parker-Pope discusses the book in this Today Show clip:
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Communication 101
After you begin to understand the fundamentals of relationships, consider refocusing on understanding the fundamentals of communication. A good friend of mind learned all of this in an “Interpersonal Communications” course in college. Turns out a class like that would have helped me out a lot more than that required statistics course. Thank goodness for the book, “The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation,” by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D. Dialectical Behavior Therapy was developed as a way to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, which many researchers believe to be a chronic form of post-traumatic stress disorder. The approach in this short book is to address the cornerstones of interpersonal communications, like “validation,” with precise examples, practice exercises and help you learn how to deescalate conflict and be more mindful of your partner so that you can grow closer.
The Marriage Ref
I’m not talking about one of favorite programs, the Jerry Seinfeld produced game show in which married couples hash it out over each other’s bad habits or irrational attachment to ugly furniture. I wish the issues in my relationship were that superficial! When it becomes more complicated than that, you may need to enlist the help of a real “marriage ref.” By that I mean counselor. But “marriage ref” sounds less intimidating and frankly, more helpful. While there are numerous self-help resources for improving your relationship, sometimes it is really important to have an objective third-party referee and point you both in the right direction.
While deployments in military marriages may make it hard to develop a relationship with a good marriage therapist, self-help resources may put a band-aid on the conflict, but it may not stop the bleeding. Having an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your communication problems is the first big step towards working to resolve it. Between the two of you, you can work to chart a course to help you down that rough, but rewarding road.
Photo by: aren roukema
